Copy Cat
Whether or not you choose to read this doesn’t matter to me.
Okay, I’m a copy-cat. I admit to it. But not in the way that most people would think. I copy parts of other people’s personalities.
Now, you’re probably all like: WTF does she mean?
Well, I don’t actually have my own personality. I can’t have one, because of the way I was taught to act, and that it was too little too late.
I’m trying as best I can to explain this, but it’s a lot harder than I would have thought.
Here’s a bit longer version:
When I was a kid in first or second grade, I had no friends. I became socially awkward, and didn’t speak to others and didn’t work in groups with other kids (And if I was forced to, I would do the whole project myself). I didn’t know how to interact with the other people around me. I thought that everything that I said or did was wrong.
Around two or three years after I had become friendless, two kids that I had to work in a group with and had never known the previous, non-social me actually wanted to talk with me. I was one of the smartest kids in the class, so I just assumed that they wanted me to give them all the answers to everything so I didn’t trust them very well, not that I knew how to anymore.
It took three years for me to start trusting them, even slightly. But I had never known the right things to say. I would always just be quiet and stay out of the way, unless spoken to.
They weren’t the best people to be learning social skills from, and I ended up mixing their personalities together to produce mine: A girl who thrives for attention but is still kind.
Which is a pretty fucked up personality, if you ask me. But I still wasn’t sure how to talk with other people outside of my tiny group of friends. Instead of just having different opinions on things, I would accept their opinion and never give mine. I thought that by only accepting what they believed in, they’d accept me and would be my friend.
I was so obsessed with popularity that I didn’t actually have a mind of my own.
When I looked back on my past, I realized how ignorant I had been, and stupid. So I decided to have my own opinions, but not give them unless they were asked for.
That didn’t last long though, because my opinions were all messed up from just accepting everything I heard.
Now, there are gaps in my personality. I can react to what someone says or does in almost the exact same way, and it won’t be odd for me because in my mind I have no set way that I should act.
Do you see what I mean when I say I’m a copy-cat now?
And I don’t do any of this on purpose, in fact, I hardly ever notice that I’m copying someone until I look back at what I’ve done before then.
When I get yelled at for doing something that someone else is doing, I’m usually surprised because it’s how I learned to speak with others.
And also explains why I can learn by example, haha.
Only problem is that it bugs me now, because I can’t do anything on my own that I don’t already know how to do. I don’t know how to speak freely without sounding like I want everyone to know. I can’t be bitchy toward everybody without being nice to some people. I can’t cut off relations with people because I don’t know how. I can’t express my feelings in a correct manner so that people won’t get confused. I can’t do a lot of things that most people would probably already know how to do or learn how to do on their own because I just don’t know how.
It’s a really aggravating feeling.
And I’m not posting this because I want you all to feel sorry for me.
I’m doing this so maybe you can understand that I have a hard time understanding some simple concepts because I never learned them.
And I’m sorry if I copied anyone to a point where it annoys them, I’ll stop whatever you want me to ASAP.
3 years ago