Why?
Why do I do these things to myself?
SERIOUSLY. I don’t like looking at romance pictures reading romance books, etc., yet I can’t help but love them even though they make me feel uncomfortable because of how much I like to isolate myself.
I hate it when I start to like someone, because I get anxious more often and stress myself out a lot.
I feel a pain in my heart every time I see a couple together, because I know it’s something I will probably never get because of how I act.
I get incredibly anxious at school and when I’m in large crowds, and yet almost every year my sister and I have the biggest party of the year and everyone talks about it until the next.
I separate myself from any big parties that we have at my house and go wherever there is the least amount of people because I think that I’ll embarrass myself and that I don’t belong because I’m one of the odd ones out of the group.
I can’t help but feel like I’m being used because I’ve had so many people use me for things that I have and things that I can do.
I like to be around people, but isolate myself because I don’t feel like I’m someone they actually want to be around.
Whenever I’m upset, I feel like crying. But I usually end up in an area full of people, and for some strange reason, I can’t cry without being severly injured with other people around. Not my parents, not my siblings, not my friends. I have to be alone, and I hardly ever get to be completely alone.
I prefer the cold because less people are outside and I don’t have to worry about anyone watching me.
I love the dark, but fear being alone in it, but every night I stay up until I scare myself so much that I run into my room.
I like to hide when people are over, usually in plain sight, to see if anyone really wants to come find me.
If they do find me, I feel like I can trust them.
If they don’t, I start questioning why they actually come to my house if they aren’t willing to look for me.
I can’t trust people very well, because of the amount of times that I’ve been hurt by those close to me that I trusted. I wish I could trust people though.
There are points in time when I wonder why people would actually want to be friends with a person such as myself, considering that I’m deranged in many ways, hide my emotions so no one will worry about me, and wish to be alone a lot.
3 years ago